hfitzheather

I haven’t read all the comments, but in case nobody has mentioned it yet, I just want to chime in to say, the one whose parents are causing conundrums needs to be the one to bring it up and lead the conversation. The spouse can be there supporting them, but if THEY lead the charge then you don’t have to be the bad guy.

First off, here’s what I wish my prenatal experience had offered:

1. A book group discussion of Kate Mangino’s book Equal Partners and how to explicitly set up an equal life after the baby arrives/avoid common pitfalls! Everyone thinks they’re going to be different and accomplish what almost no heterosexual couple haphazardly manages to stumble upon by accident.

2. A non-ideological class where we got a lot of detailed how-to instructions on what to do once the baby arrives, including discussions of how to solve common newborn parenting issues, and a day where veterans of breastfeeding and formula feeding shared a range of honest experiences, including (for the breastfeeders): this was the hardest thing I ever did in my life/I got tendonitis from it/didn’t make enough milk/got thrush/kept getting plugged ducts/it hurt/it was often not fun kind of honest. Maybe this would start during the prenatal period and run for a few months after birth.

Then, after arrival, I wish I’d heard:

1. “It is really tough to be a mom in a moment when the goalposts around what it means to be even an adequate mother keep getting moved and when not only do we not have a safety net, society is actively hostile to parents. I can’t replace all the safety nets, but I want to bring you dinner/take care of the baby/buy you a night in a hotel room so you can get one good night’s sleep/whatever else you need but don’t feel like you can ask for.”

and

2. “You martyring yourself is not going to help your son. In fact, taking the time and space to take care of yourself is going to lay the groundwork for healthy patterns that will teach him much healthier lessons in the long run.”

and

3. “Just because you gave birth at the same time does not necessarily mean you’ll have anything else in common. Don’t worry, I’m still your friend and you’ll find your soulmate mom friends in good time.”

and

4. “Yes, you had all the latest technologies and medical advancements during your pregnancy and birth, and now we have finally moved beyond the world of “Who cares? Put some cabbage leaves on your breasts!” and have state-of-the-art medical care for postpartum women too!”