ibsen

This is certainly a tough situation. And really sensitive. Consider focusing only on what you and your partner can actually control: your own behavior.

When you decide to leave your child with someone else, you can no longer control their environment as much as you would like to. Are you willing to accept that? You have made a request of your MIL and it appears they are not willing to honor it. What are your options now?

Your MIL may not like if you decide not to let your child stay with them overnight. But your job is not to keep your MIL happy. Your MIl is responsible for owning their emotions. You can’t own their emotions. Are you willing to accept that? If you are unwillingly accept an unhappy MIL, then you have made your decision.

I heard Dr. Becky Kennedy say that setting a boundary means doing something that requires nothing of anyone else. That seems instructive here. In this case, you can find a different caregiver or decide not to leave your child with your MIL. None of those things require any action from your MIL.

It’s definitely hard. But if you focus only on what you can actually control, you will find clarity.

A final note: children are really resilient and raising children is a marathon, not a sprint. So while you may highly dislike how your MIL cares for your children, at the end of the day, you are likely the one spending 90% or more time with them. Your behaviors—what you are and are not willing to do—-are what matters most. It’s unlikely your children will be actually damaged from their MIL’s overindulgence.

A therapist who specializes in working with widows once told me something that has stuck with me and that I personally found helpful, both when dealing with others who were grieving and also when I was grieving myself: Grief demands acknowledgement, not fixing.