3littleducklings

I appreciate you asking this. I come from a perspective of having been responsible for our children without the help of grandparents bc they live 2,000 miles away. So, I can’t relate to the boundaries you would have with your son and DIL, you having been so relied upon and such a great help. So maybe my suggestion comes from a place of too much independence to be relevant to your situation.
For what it is worth, I do what you’re suggesting with early off days. But that is a personal choice with certain trade offs that are OURS to make. In your shoes, I would be careful about bringing it up unless they say something like, “the doctor or daycare have asked us to give him a day off at the first sign of sickness and we just can’t make that work on our own.” Bc I don’t have data that what they do with their children in their situation is definitely harming the children. Do you? You are taking relational risks to suggest your way.

The challenge for you is: you love your grandchildren and you trust your insights and there are some things you wish your son and DIL would agree with you about and do differently. You would be more comfortable not having to think about certain differences and you believe you have your grandchildren’s best interests at heart. The thing is, what is best for your grandchildren is for their parents to trust themselves and to not have a marriage where they are arguing about whether Grandma thinks she is better at this than they are. AND for them to get to spend loving time with YOU that isn’t full of tension with their parents. If I were you, I would put the relationship with each of them ahead of your insights, and to keep offering to help in the way that they would find most helpful. And if you need help talking to someone about what breaks your heart or what is difficult to see them do, I would understand that. I think it is hard to love the grandkids and feel strongly you know what is best and not say anything. But it is worth talking to someone else about it instead of the parents and remember that this is their live and unless you see things you know are harmful, trust they will figure it out. You don’t need to be worrying about your grandkids. That is your son and DIL’s job.

This might just be me…but I feel frustrated when my Mom or MIL try to pre-inform me about parenting stages. The children are ours. The decisions are ours, and when and how to research are also our decisions. If they were reading Emily’s posts to better understand this generation of parenting or how to be more emotionally supportive, that would be fine. If they were reading it as a way to be an informed partner with us, being on the lookout for what they saw as relevant, I would ask our moms to stop.

Hugs to you! My MIL is similar. I feel like she signed me up for her Mom Training Program. And her behavior also unintentionally ruined a relationship with her I had really valued before becoming a mother–she has repeatedly dismissed my boundaries. My husband currently does all communication with his mother and I have gone out of town the last two visits to get space from all the questions and comments. She is more disconnected from her grandkids as a result of her choices. It won’t be permanent, and I don’t prefer it this way, but it wasn’t healthy for me or our marriage to allow things to continue. I’m taking the space to figure that out.

So, to the poster who wants to avoid this, what I really wish my MIL would have said was, “you are working so hard taking care of baby (#1,2,3). You are giving her everything she needs and I respect the choices that you’re making taking care of her. You are a great Mom. I care about you, too, and I remember how hard it is when the baby interrupts your sleep. I’d like to help make things easier on you because you deserve that. What would be the most helpful for you?”