Jennifer H

– Similar to others, kids eat carrots or cucumber “veggie-tizer” while they watch TV and I cook. (Thanks for the idea, Emily!)
– I meal plan on Wednesdays and grocery shop Fridays, plus a delivery on Sundays. I usually cook Sunday, Monday, and Wednesday, and we eat leftovers the rest of the week.
– I cook what my husband and I are excited to eat. Then we feed a version of it to our kids. For example, if we are having a pasta with sauce and veggies on it, we keep some pasta plain, and have some plain veggies ready too. I also rely a lot on frozen veg (like green beans and corn) to offer plain versions. With three kids, ages 2-7, this makes it easier to accommodate everyone’s preferences.

This is so interesting! My oldest started withholding poop from his diapers at 2.5, right after his little sister was born. It then flared up again when he started feeling unhappy at a new preschool. That made us think it was an issue of wanting to exert control when he felt powerless. I’ve never heard a theory explaining this so this comment is very validating!

I love this! You never know when asking kids why, even at young ages, will yield helpful info. And I’ve been surprised by how often I can convince little kids with logic even though most of the time they seem impervious to logic!

Re Miralax: My oldest withheld poop in his diapers off and on for about a year when he was 2. We tried so many different strategies (behavioral, diet, etc.), and the only thing that worked for him was miralax. We did really small doses, tweaking it slightly up and down to get it to work and not cause diarrhea. We ended up using it for a few months, then weaned off of it. I think we had to go back on it once or twice, but then weaned again. I didn’t love the idea of medicating my kid, but the doctor assured me it was safe, I liked that we could control the dose, and it was really the only thing that worked.

Re struggling: One thing that worked well for us was rewards for having dry undies. We started with 30-minute increments then increased from there over the course of a few days. One key ingredient for any reward system we’ve used is asking the kid what they want to earn (within very parameters, of course). This ensures they are actually motivated by the reward!

Being “two months behind” seems like a non-issue to me, when the range of “normal” is so wide. My third kid has been delayed on a number of milestones, including crawling (11 months), walking (17 months), and language (he probably also only had 5 words at 15 months). But he is still developing just fine and seems to be hitting his milestones at his own pace, which seems to be part of his personality. If your pediatrician is only making you feel sad about it, and not helping you see what’s going well, I think it’s time for a new pediatrician. Our pediatrician has been very reassuring, but also has engaged in two-way dialogue about interventions like speech therapy. As a result, we’ve tracked his language closely and started speech therapy at 26 months.

To paraphrase Magda Gerber, childhood is not a race. <3

I would reframe how you think about your child’s tantrums. Based on my experience with my three kids, I don’t think a two-year-old needs much discipline in the traditional sense of the word. They need teaching about boundaries, socially acceptable behavior, etc. No matter what your approach, your child is unlikely to throw food forever, but they will continue to have big feelings and meltdowns (even adults have those!), so I think the goal is to teach them how to do those things appropriately and without hurting others.

A few other thoughts:
1) As far as I can tell, gentle parenting doesn’t really represent a research-based framework. It’s kind of an Instagram-y approach that means different things to different people. You can get some ideas from Instagram, but…
2) I highly recommend reading a book or two to help you develop a fully fleshed out framework/parenting philosophy to help guide your approach to these situations and other challenges that will arise as your kid gets older. (I don’t think you can get that from Instagram.) Several commenters have suggested books. I will add two more: No Bad Kids and The Whole Brain Child.
3) There is no one right way to do this, despite what Instagram may tell you. I think it’s important to do what feels right to you, what minimizes your frustration (but doesn’t eliminate it because that’s impossible in parenting), and feels like it works.

Good luck!

So many people seem to think adding a third kid is no big deal, but I think every new baby is a big transition for all involved. My third is now two, and one thing I’ve learned is how important it is to reevaluate systems and routines when things aren’t working anymore. For example, when my youngest was 15 months, I hit a breaking point, and we reevaluated our childcare needs. Obviously not everything can be changed, but if things aren’t working, I highly encourage a brainstorming session with your partner to determine what isn’t working and what, if anything, you can do to fix it.

I agree that many of us need to chill out, but I think the notion that parenting choices don’t matter flies in the face of common sense. I don’t think quantitative research can fully measure how people parent or all the adult outcomes that parents influence. I also think we can all identify people in our lives — adults and children — who very much seem influenced by choices their parents made. Instead, I would look at this way: (1) Think about what your goals are for your children, and act accordingly. I see so many parents getting caught up in an academic and/or activities arms race, and they haven’t stopped to think about what the ultimate goal is. (2) Do some research, and do the best you can. That’s all we can really do.

Re the point that friends with kids seem unhappy: Most of my friends have two or more kids at this point, with the oldest in elementary school, and I would say that the people who seem to be having the hardest time either (1) have a challenging marriage that was already challenging before kids, (2) had mental health challenges pre-kids, and/or (3) try to parent purely on instinct without doing research (i.e., reading books and articles). This theory only applies to after their kids are sleeping more (so like 6 months old or more) because sleep deprivation is hard on everyone. 😆

Thank you so much for writing this article!!! I’ve made similar arguments in my writing, but I don’t have the audience you have 🙂

I really wish real estate websites would remove the GreatSchools ratings from their home listings. They are so detrimental to public school systems that serve a diverse group of kids.

I taught elementary school in both traditional public and charter schools in low-income communities, and I had many students who were performing below grade level. I still taught grade-level standards to all my students, and tried to provide extra help to kids who were behind, and extra challenges to kids who were ahead. My colleagues did too. This isn’t necessarily the case in all schools in low-income communities — and it isn’t always true in affluent communities, or in private schools, which are a totally mixed bag too. But there are many teachers doing a great job in low-rated, low-income schools.

This article backs up your approach! https://www.readingrockets.org/topics/spelling-and-word-study/articles/choose-your-words-and-techniques-carefully-spelling

Here are some strategies I’ve developed with my three (ages 2, 4, and 7):
– Get out of the house at least once per day, even if it’s just to the local playground. My kids seem to melt less if they get out of the house.
– Try to get some 1:1 time. Managing two kids can be so exhausting. 1:1 time with kids can be a real treat when you’re used to managing two.
– Give yourself grace. You are in the thick of it, and it’s okay (and normal!) not to like it all the time. If you need more screen time on these weekends, it’s ok!
– When you have a good weekend, reflect afterwards on what made it good and what you can potentially replicate in the future.

Re the nipple shield question: I have inverted nipples and used nipple shields for about three months with each of my three kids. I ultimately weened off of them because I got tired of using them (washing them, having to try to put them on in public, etc.). I found that, at that point, all three babies were strong enough and experienced enough to latch on my very inverted nipples. It took some trial and error to get them to do it, but it worked eventually for all three.

Yes!! I didn’t like my first maternity leave until like a week before I went back to work 🙃