JK

What surprised me most after we lost our baby was that certain friends did not call or keep lines of communication open in some other way. It hurt a lot but ultimately resulted in closer friendships with the people who did call or offered support in person. My advice for supporting a friend who’s gone through such a loss is:

1) Feed them. You can’t think ahead much less plan meals and shop for food when you’re experiencing so much pain. A friend dropped off a cooler full of home-made frozen meals and desserts, and that was a godsend. Another sent a box of my favorite bagels, with lox and cream cheese. It was a much needed treat.

2) Call or make other opportunities to listen. When your friend does want to talk, be ready to listen. They probably don’t want or expect advice, just a listening ear.

3) Don’t make assumptions. A close friend avoided telling me she was pregnant until very late, assuming that I would not share in her joy. That hurt a lot. I think a lot of people also assume that once you become pregnant again or have another child, you somehow forget or move past your loss. That is definitely not the case. My child from my next pregnancy is now a toddler, but I am still quick to tears when pregnancy loss comes up in conversation.

4) Be there for the long haul. There are weeks and months that my experience doesn’t affect my daily life, but then suddenly it does. A true friend is someone who doesn’t judge you for collapsing into an emotional puddle a year down the road from your loss.