SoMama

There are so many helpful perspectives here, enough to wade through already, but I will offer this advice after a fertility journey: consider freezing your eggs now, or, if you’re in a state that doesn’t seem like it’ll go after IVF access, freeze embryos. It seems crazy to undertake fertility preservation when you don’t know if you’ll need it, but it can alleviate some of the stress that comes with aging. That way, your younger, preferably genetically tested embryos (or younger eggs!) will be available for your use when you’re ready. Apologies if someone already said this—my older child wants to go through his Kindergarten schoolwork folder so I don’t have time to read all the comments! <3

So much good advice here. I just want to say that wow, your MIL sounds lazy. Yes it’s easier to plug a kid in for hours and hours and give them whatever sugary foods they want, especially if not doing so would result in tantrums. But this goes beyond spoiling or grandparent indulgence, to me. With taking the school thing into account, it’s negligence! And add keeping secrets on top… yikes. (I’m in the US, though, and we have attendance laws.) The only child-free night I’ve ever had is when I was in labor with my second kid. I’m sure a child-free vacation would be nice, but I wouldn’t leave my child with this MIL. She sounds like trouble.

My kid was also rough with toys (his older cousin nicknamed him Destructo), and he played with cars missing doors etc. for years. Most plastic toys can get broken somehow, even if they’re meant for littles. (My kid would find a way.) Now he sometimes accidentally breaks toys trying to figure out how they work. But I was always really aware of how he treated other kids’ toys, and would remove them from him or at least warn the parents that a particular toy may not survive a run-in with my kid, and they could choose to put it away. I’m guessing this conversation is about toys that would require replacing/cost money to be useful again, so not Duplo creations. My son is about to turn 6 and still has an old Duplo train in the back of his closet bc it was so precious to him, just as it was when he built it! So he chose to put away before company bc he did not want it destroyed.

Such moments around other oblivious-or-worse parents are so hard. I try to give them a house-rules spin: “In our house, this is off limits.” You wouldn’t let a kid play with the stove; treat whatever the off-limits thing is like the stove. Sooner the better to establish these limits, as the longer time goes on, the more awkward it’ll be. Set the precedent as early as possible. In our house, we had our son put away important toys before company. We would tell him that any toys not put away had the potential to be broken by a guest, so as he got older, he made choices accordingly. If one of his little friends was purposefully rough with a toy, I would remove it and tell the kids that if we can’t play with this in a way that doesn’t break it, we will put the toy away. (That requires paying closer attention to the gaggle of playing kids that the adults might want to!) I have found that being clear about these limits has helped my child stand up to his friends about them as he gets older. If one particular kid is always breaking things, I would talk to the parent, because it will only get worse as the kid gets older and limits aren’t enforced in your house. If that’s just beyond awkward, consider putting away anything breakable (so annoying, yes) and offering wooden food toys or something they can’t break.