ezrasmom

As a mom whose son was stillborn at 38 weeks last year, I’m so sorry for your sister’s loss of her son and for your loss of your nephew. And I am grateful to you for asking the question and for this ParentData community for including stillbirth in these discussions of parenting experiences. A long list of off-the-top-of-my-head thoughts for what helps and doesn’t help:
-Many people have already said it, but talk about your nephew, now and in the months and years to come. Your sister will always be thinking about him. In the context of close family, this might mean including him if you’re listing the names of cousins or of your nephews, for example. If you’re asking moms about a normal pregnancy experience (“did you try prenatal yoga?”), include your sister as a mom.
-The best gifts I got included anything warm and cozy (sweatpants, a blanket, socks, a gigantic sweatshirt-blanket from my own sister that I have practically lived in for much of this year since) and practical (many boxes of tissues, lip balm, fruit, a Venmo collection from my coworkers to help us immediately pay the funeral and hospital bills). We asked for donations in our son’s memory to Helen Keller International, to help save other babies, and it means so much to think that he had an impact in the world in that way. We didn’t need the many flowers or desserts as much, but every single time we opened the door and found someone was thinking of us, it meant so much. A card in the mail a few weeks or months later was also deeply meaningful — I remember those cards better than the ones in the earliest days.
-There are many organizations (Hayden’s Helping Hands is a good one) that will cover funeral or hospital bills for families that have a stillbirth. You can do this research for your sister now so she doesn’t have to. You may need to act quickly to get this assistance.
-Make sure the hospital saves the placenta. That will give you the option down the road of choosing to have a placenta analysis, if you want, to try to find out the cause of death. The hospital might not be competent to answer but there are specialists (Dr. Harvey Kliman at Yale, most notably) who can analyze the placenta months later, if you save it, even if your doctor tells you (commonly, and often falsely) that the cause of death can’t be determined.
-Your sister is still a mom who just gave birth and most of the normal needs for support apply. I found a Zoom with a lactation consultant helpful during the awful days when my milk was coming in. (The only truly useful thing she told me: Three days. The worst pain will be over in three days.) A friend connected me with her pelvic floor physical therapist for a Zoom session about how to recover from physical injury from pregnancy. I appreciated that Studio Bloom’s postpartum exercise videos didn’t have cutesy lines about exercising alongside your new baby.
-Family and friends often want to disassemble the crib and whisk away the nursery items. Moms who had stillbirths often regret this. Don’t bring up the baby stuff unless she does. Let her deal with that in her own time.
-The best book: “An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination.”
-Tell her friends to keep checking in on her. She’ll need months of support, not days or weeks. A text to say “I’m thinking of you” is such a kindness.
-Even with all the support in the world, there will be nights she doesn’t feel like she has someone to call. Tell her that you can be that person, always.
-What has helped me the most, by far, is knowing other moms who have been as low as I’ve been and are now (years later) genuinely okay. That is what makes me believe that I will be okay someday. I had two colleagues who went through stillbirths about five years before mine, and they have been guiding lights for me. The support groups and Facebook groups have been more of a mixed-to-negative emotional experience for me. But I hope your sister finds those people who make her believe she’ll be okay even when she doesn’t feel it. If I can ever help somehow, I’m here to talk: jzauzmer@gmail.com. I’m rooting for your whole family. I wish you were holding your nephew right now.