KateZ

Strong agree. Big Little Feelings helped me handle tantrums much better. Every time a tantrum arises (and they will, no matter how much you try to prep them), I remind myself that at this age, it’s my kid’s job to feel his feelings, and it’s my job to hold boundaries. He’s going to feel how he’s going to feel about those boundaries, and my only job is to help him know that his feelings won’t overwhelm him or damage our relationship. I do not allow hitting or destructive behavior, but I no longer walk away or isolate him because I believe doing so teaches him that I can’t handle his feelings and that his feelings will damage our bond. That was not the way I was parented, and I can tell you I’ve spent a lot of money on therapy bills trying to get over it!

Another thing about two-year-olds — this too shall pass! I used to get so worked up when some new source of tantrums came on the scene (we must read this book at least this many times, or these books in this order, he can only wear this shirt, he wants his pee back after it’s flushed, etc. etc….) until I realized it’s all just a brief passing phase. And, the phases passed more quickly the more I reinforced boundaries and routines and the more I held him and maintained composure during tantrums. Now that he’s 3, his tantrums are much more manageable, and when they do occur, I actually feel more bonded with him because we are able to resolve it with love.

Trust your instincts. I had a traumatic birth and a difficult recovery, plus I was not able to produce sufficient breastmilk to exclusively breastfeed, which was my plan (and fervent hope) at the time. I felt so much shame around seeking help and not getting the help that I needed. I felt broken. And I felt like no one in the medical system took my complaints seriously. Three years later I feel like I’m finally putting myself back together again. And the one really good thing I’ve learned through this whole process is to trust my instincts. If you feel like you need something but your medical provider is telling you that you don’t, listen to what you already know you need. People are constantly trying to convince us as women and mothers that we need less support, that we should just struggle through and sacrifice our comfort and safety and mental health for others, and to that I say, hell no.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. It sounds terrifying and enraging.

Late to the party just to add that it may be helpful to talk with the MIL about where her values and your values are coming from in this situation. I would come at this from the perspective that you both care deeply for your children and want the best for them. MIL probably feels that her “role” (as many others have articulated) is to overindulge and “spoil” your children since this seems to be the dominant cultural narrative. Maybe this is how she feels she is best able to express her love and care for her grandchildren. Maybe she feels that time spent with grandparents holds more value than time spent at school. Perhaps this is how she feels able to bond with her grandchildren. Meanwhile, you know that a child feels safest when they are not the ones in control, when bedtimes and mealtimes are adhered to, when meals are balanced, and when they get adequate sleep. I wonder whether you could sit down together and have a conversation that starts from the shared ground that you both have of wanting the best for your children, and then have a conversation about what would be best for them. Maybe staying home from kindergarten a few days to bond with grandma is okay, but because sleep is important maybe she adheres to a reasonable bedtime, for example.

I also think it is important to trust your instincts. A lot of comments I’ve read here are dismissive of your interest in taking time away, dismissive of your interest in holding certain boundaries for your child, etc. You know yourself and your child best. You know what you need. You know what your child needs. Go with your gut on that. What works for one person may not work for another.