Isabel A

My son died and was stillborn at 39 weeks 1 year ago due to a cord accident. People have been so amazing and supportive, and people have been absolutely horrible in their reactions to my loss. Here are my recommendations:
1. If you really want to understand the grief that comes was tragic losses, read Megan Devine’s it’s ok to not be ok. Follow her Instagram refuge in grief. It’ll become clear you shouldn’t focus on “how to help” because there’s no fixing the death of a baby. There’s no right thing to say. Mirror back your persons reality. Make them feel seen in their pain. The death of a baby is tragic. It’s rare and there’s a lot of questioning why and could this have been prevented with better medical care. It’s not “normal.” We carried them for the better part of a year and birthed them into the world. There is intense trauma. Have you ever seen the corpse of a baby or child in person? The trauma of that alone cannot be stated enough. For me, one of the worst parts was dealing with such hurtful comments that intended to be helpful. Those good intends do not cancel out the pain the comments inflict. Platitudes like “at least you have another child,” “everything happens for a reason,” “you’re so strong.” Very often other people would very inappropriately compare my son dying full term to their or their friends’ 6 week miscarriages. It never helped and just made me feel like they were minimizing my loss. The worst was silence. People so uncomfortable that they just didn’t say or do anything at all. Trying to act normal made things worse. My parents would only talk about the weather with us for months. It became painful to be around them.
2. Don’t ask how to help. Just do things. Flowers, meal trains, letters, memorial gifts, etc.
3. For me, after the first few weeks it became critical to my survival to feel like others remembered and loved my son. One of the hardest parts of losing a child to stillbirth is that society often makes you feel like you made it all up. Like your baby never existed. People made comments as if I had not just spent the last 9 months pregnant, as if I had not just given birth. My sister in law asked we weren’t at work 1 week after my son was stillborn, as if nothing had happened. So I needed to share pictures of my son with people, so they could see he was real. I needed people to tell me THEY love and miss my son, so I didn’t feel like the only one in the world who cared. Hearing my son’s name from other people’s mouths, seeing it in writing, having him included in the count of my family, truly was a life saver. Remembering milestones is helpful too, the monthly anniversaries and then the first birthday.