KateDi

Happy to start this thread, but take it with a grain of salt – I’m 37 and 8 months pregnant after a 2 year-long fertility journey. When my husband and I met 10 years ago, neither of us could imagine having children. We had so much going on in our lives, so much personal and professional growth we wanted (and needed) to do, that the idea of bringing a child into that felt laughable, and even irresponsible. We got a dog 2 months into living together and all of the complications she brought really solidified that feeling. But for us, because change and challenge and growth are so important, eventually we came to trust in our ability to take on another new big life change. In some ways the question came down to desire to be parents to a child combined with our level of trust in ourselves as individuals and as a couple to cope with all the small and massive challenges parenthood would bring into our lives. We now have this great big history together of facing and coming through significant challenges stronger and more resilient. So even while we know that parenthood, and especially the early days/months/years are going to be full of challenges that have the potential to exhaust and shake us to our core, we are walking open-eyed into the abyss knowing that the foundations we have in ourselves and our relationship are strong enough to get us through it.

This is a very long-winded way of saying, I believe that as we come to the question of parenthood later in life we go in with lots of information and clear eyes as to the challenges ahead, and rightfully ask the question of whether it is worth it. And much of that answer probably depends on how much challenge you are wanting, willing, and able to take on in your lives. You know it will be hard even if as it will have moments of huge reward and mind-bending joy. Are you ready and wanting to take on all the hard and grow through it together? You can still be terrified of the unknown levels of hard, but if the answer is yes, you can bravely move forward on that path. For many people, there is no shame in saying no, “we don’t want, need, or enjoy the idea of adding these new and massive challenges to our happy life. we are content as we are.” And that’s so valid.

I hope this helps add at least one helpful angle for evaluating this question.

This makes a lot of sense to me. Sharing with the group that it’s been getting harder to host gatherings because the regular breaking of toys/damage has been hard for your own kid and for you. Starting with some sort of statement that you don’t believe any of it is intentional (whether you do or not, it’ll head of some defensiveness), but the end result is still tough. And then asking the group what they think might be some good solutions. At the end of the day if the group isn’t able to agree to something that feels good to the host, or that just doesn’t end up being implemented in practice, the host has to decide if they want to continue to have the gatherings in their place in the same way or not. We can ask for group help, but that will all be voluntary. Beyond that we only really have control over our own actions (continuing to host at home vs different location, hosting frequency, putting away precious items, accepting damage as the cost of gathering, waiting to host more until children are older). Yet it always seems appropriate to share ahead of time what you are thinking and feeling with the group and why you might need to make some changes if it’s getting too hard. That gives space for people to show up and offer support if they can and if they want to, but it also doesn’t require other people to change for us to take care of our own needs.

Everyone has different comfort levels and dynamics with friends and family, so this may not work for you, but take whatever might be useful. One thing that has come in VERY handy for me is shifting my understanding of boundaries. I can express what I wish others would or would not do in different situations, but I only have control over my own decisions or actions – everything else is a request which may be respected or rejected by other people. So in this case, if it feels possible for you, you might be able to kindly express your boundary as something like “I’m guessing this all might feel silly to you, or like it’s not a very important rule to follow, but it means a lot to my family that we be able to have guests come to our home and feel like our treasured things will be safe and respected. For us that means that we really don’t want these cars to be played with. Going forward, if that’s not something that you and your child can agree to, unfortunately we won’t be able to invite you to the gatherings we host in our home, which would be really sad for us. I hope that doesn’t have to happen, because we enjoy your company.”