tessy

This comment is aimed at the “practical systems” question. I have ADHD, so no one system works for long – I am constantly creating new systems and then getting bored of them/falling off-track. For me, the guiding principles for system creation are 1: DON’T LOOK AT WHAT ANYONE ELSE IS DOING, 2: SIMPLIFY, 3: OFFLOAD/OUTSOURCE, and 4: FORGIVE YOURSELF/KEEP EXPERIMENTING. Everyone is different, and what works for me may not work for you, but I hope this is helpful in some way!

1: Don’t look at what anyone else is doing. (Instagram is the theft of joy!) My house is clean but it is not tidy. We don’t fold laundry or make beds. We don’t decorate for holidays except Christmas. I play with my kids, but we are not making fun seasonal crafts. Their boxed lunches are the same every day: PBJ + fruit + veggie + protein + carb. Is it cute? No. Does it work? Yes.

2: Simplify. Most of my systems that “stick” are really, really basic: Google Calendar tasks to remind myself to do things in the future, an accordion file on the kitchen counter for mail/paperwork that needs to not get lost that I go through on Sundays, daily timed phone reminders for personal care and family routine tasks (“pack lunches”, “take out trash”, “drink water!”), and “safe spots” where I can dump/not lose things that need to be taken care of, but not immediately.

Simplifying (for me) also means periodically assessing what’s in the house and whether it serves our needs. About 2x/year I make an effort to declutter and store/donate things we are not using. (Often this is precipitated by Christmas – noisy toys go straight to Goodwill! – or by my child outgrowing clothes.) I don’t do the whole house, instead I try to focus on one area or category that is causing the most inconvenience/mental load. I usually think the process will take me a Saturday, and it ends up taking a week or two.

3: Offload/outsource. We can’t afford everything, but we’ve made room in the budget for Instacart for groceries, and a roomba + cleaning service 2x/month. Periodic honest conversations with my spouse about the household load, who’s doing what + whether that’s working has also gone a LONG way towards our collective sanity.

4: Forgive yourself/keep experimenting. If something doesn’t work, I remind myself that the thing is the failure – not me! I often find it helps to talk to someone (spouse, friend, mom) about the failed system. Another person will always help me troubleshoot, and also remind me that I’m doing a good job.

Maybe a good example of how all this works together is how we figured out how to manage holidays for our family. We live near my husband’s family and the first few years of being married (and especially after our first child was born) I was really overwhelmed by their way of doing holidays: so joyful, SO INTENSE. I had trouble drawing boundaries around gift-giving and other expectations. I was very stressed about (and often resented) the arrival of holidays, and then I felt guilty for feeling that way.

I had a really honest conversation with my spouse after a particularly bad Thanksgiving. We talked about what mattered to us, and worked out a new approach to the holidays. Now, in general, we don’t decorate for any holidays except Christmas, and my husband is in charge of that. We have 3-4 boxes of decorations, and we don’t use them all every year. We put them up late, and we take them down piecemeal, leaving some out until late January. We don’t do the elf on the shelf. We just do a couple of simple gifts per immediate family member, and with extended family we have also worked to simplify the gift-giving tradition (e.g. gift exchanges, or chipping in for a group experience instead of individually shopping gifts for everyone).

We don’t commit to more than one holiday party per weekend in December. If we host anything ourselves (party or holiday meal) it’s a joint effort between me and my spouse – I make the grocery list, he shops and cooks, I clean. Before big extended family events we strategize about how long we’re staying and come up with an exit strategy.

Figuring out what works for your brain and your family is a process. It takes time, and it will never be completely finished. My life is constantly changing as my children change, and that’s OK! It’s not going to be perfect. Being gentle with myself as I continually troubleshoot and adjust is perhaps the hardest part.

Hugs to you, friend. You are a good mom, and you are doing a great job. I hope this is helpful as you figure things out. <3