Katiedal

A combination of 123 Magic and Simmer Time (Moms on Call) have worked very well for our 3.5 and 1.5 year old boys – with crushing consistency, meaning you always follow through and do exactly what you are going to say (this means never make a threat you won’t follow through on).

I hear you that imposing reason on toddlers does not make sense. There are two types of argumentative sources: arguments made from reason and arguments made from authority. Since reasoning is not fully there until the age of reason (7), authority is critical. Do they believe you? Are you a competent authority? To me, gentle parenting will not work here – because I need my kids to hold my hand and pocket in a parking lot so they don’t get hit by a car. I need them to not touch the oven when I’m pulling out a casserole so they don’t get burned. And so I need to use every opportunity to follow through on what I’m saying in small moments so that I have built myself up as a competent authority when it matters.

When you say that having kids is “privately experienced as a massive toll on life,” I think of the idea that anything worth doing in life has hard , even extremely hard, moments. In fact, it is often the things we work hardest for that are most rewarding. This is exponentially true with children, where our investment in kids (which inevitably comes through self sacrifice that is disproportionately borne by women) has the greatest payoff of all. Your career will have an end. Hobbies have limits. Kids make you immortal – and not just in some “I want to live forever” Nordic folktale way, but in a real value based way.

My husband and I had our first kid when I was 24, our next when I was 26, and are now due with our third when I am 28. We could have kept our posh apartment in Boston and DINK lifestyle for a decade, going on fancy trips and living up the city life. Instead we started our family and invested in both completing Master’s degrees, which we both graduate from this spring. That all reflects our value system. We play the long game and buckle down on the day by day instead of living in between vacations. Highly scheduled, functional, value driven family formation – which is incredibly satisfying, regardless of the massive toll and countless moments of self sacrifice it requires. Parenting is living your life for others with lots of opportunities for acts of service for your partner and your children, and a life lived in service is worth living.