Kristen

These comments cover so much. Our daughter died at 39 weeks in 2022. Rose was/is our second child. We just had our third in December. I have this idea of a Netflix comedy special for the child loss club – well-meaning people have given me a lot of material. I have a grief mom friend, and we joked about making a drinking game for every time someone said “I’ll pray for you.” It might mean a lot to someone, but almost everyone I know in deep grief finds no comfort in it. We didn’t do it, of course, because we would never have been sober in the first year. People say it a LOT.

In the early days, I wanted to be cared for like when I have a cold…groceries, food, being tucked in, sobbing into someone. At around 6 months, people seemed to forget my daughter. I longed for people to ask about her and say her name. Around a year, I was so angry I could have used someone to rage with. Pregnancy was 8 months of terror and anxiety the likes of which I am amazed I survived…so much PTSD (and therapy). The long game is where we are now. And we crave people referencing our three kids, not just our two living children.

At each stage, I wanted people to check in with me weekly or more. I wanted someone to ask how my grief was evolving and how they could help me feel close to my daughter. I wanted people who would not point out silver linings but instead sit with me while I cried…every day. I cherish people who say her name on every single phone call or text thread. I crave a Christmas present for her or one for me that represents her. I all but abandon people who leave her name off cards for our family. I cannot fathom having a meaningful connection with anyone who doesn’t see her in my life. And when I meet someone, and we talk about our families, I tell them about all three of my kids.

Amid all these amazing ideas in the comments for the short term, I wanted to share some thoughts for the long term. I found my grief mom friend in a pregnancy loss support group (mercy, please separate the miscarriage and stillbirth groups, y’all, the experiences are so different). And having someone who knows the inside of this is profound. People who haven’t been through it are solid support for me…and she’s kindred in a way I don’t want my family to ever understand. I need both.

Also, don’t be like the rest of the world and forget about both parents’ grief. They are facing the hardest thing they will ever go through, and their relationship is vulnerable. The data on divorce after child loss is astounding. What support can you offer so they can grieve together?

Google what you don’t know. Ask for her specific preferences. Show up. Show up. Show up. And show up some more. (Not unannounced, that’s heinous)

The very idea that you want to know how to better support her is a sign that you already are. People who were curious about this were the ones who offered meaningful support. Please process your grief with those further out in terms of ring theory. I’m sorry for your loss and what the world lost in the light of that amazing child.