Lucy

To Anonymous Struggling Mom, sounds like a very frustrating time for all involved!! Has she ever successfully peed on the potty/toilet before? If not, it can definitely be intimidating!! Much easier to “catch” a pee on the potty with a 2 year old who you can physically move to the potty when they’re midstream… with a much older toddler, there’s a lot more willpower involved and awareness that can make it hard to either physically move them or “convince” them to try this scary new thing. In the telling of your story, what jumps out to me is the fact that you told her you’d wait until she’s ready, and then you didn’t actually mean that—you’ve now decided she has to be ready even if she doesn’t feel she is. This sounds like a recipe for a power battle! She is feeling a loss of control in addition to dread of this scary new thing. If it’s possible for you, I would back off and tell her she can pick when she wants to do this new thing like you said she could. Take the pressure off. Leave the potty out. Be casual about it, while letting her come into the bathroom when you pee, talking about your own need to go to the bathroom, etc. But take the pressure off.

We have finally this week managed to get the night diaper off my 3.9 year old who has literally not wet it in a year, but couldn’t stand the idea of sleeping without the diaper on… it was a long slow buildup of talking about how once the “last diaper” wore out (we finished a pack and refused to buy more), he would have to be done, but he could also choose to try without the diaper sooner. Eventually I talked up how he could pick out a “big kid” prize if he slept five nights without the diaper. This has been a slow build over several months. Finally this week with the diaper on its very last legs, he announced he wanted to try undies at night (as he has been in the day for a year). He was ready. He was proud. And after one night succeeding, there was no going back!

Once kids are this age, they feel a lot more agency and yes, that can make transitions easier for them, but it can also make them feel a greater need for control and this resistance. The art is working with them so they maintain control, while helping them to reach their/your goal. I hope my story helps illustrate that, in some way, even if it’s not the same struggle. Have confidence that she will get there, even with the stress (for you) of pre-k looking… and if possible, ask the pre-k program to work with you so that you can relieve the pressure for her and yourself. Because she is definitely feeling the pressure, just like you are. Once she has one successful potty use, on her own terms, my hunch is that the rest will come pretty easily… just give her the space again to come to it on her own terms, with gentle and subtle encouragement.