marthie

Remembering that you’re not your kid’s only source of emotional input is so important. I feel awful on the days (or weeks) that I haven’t been able to give her all the input she wants, but my partner reminds me that she spends 6 hours a day at school learning and playing and has a village of friends and family who care about her. It’s not all on me.

‘Actual human skin’ made me laugh! I hate wearing short sleeves, it’s only just occurred to me that this might be why!

Oh there are so many good tips in this thread! Sending you lots of love. I was diagnosed with ADHD in October at the age of 38, after having a full burnout that led to taking a year off work (which I had the huge privilege of being able to do). I agree with everything said already, but wanted to also say that while it’s true that everyone finds parenting exhausting and hard at times, there are reasons why neurodiversity makes things *particularly* hard, and one of my biggest feelings of inadequacy and guilt has come from thinking “but it’s hard for everyone, so why can’t I cope???” Being diagnosed was such an incredible relief – suddenly I knew there was no amount of trying that would ‘fix’ my personality – all that would happen would be working myself into exhaustion. So I just wanted to note that you’re finding it harder than other parents because it really IS harder for you.

I have a six year old and we have decided not to have any more children as I am right at the limit of my emotional capacity; this is something that the NT people in my life have found very difficult to understand. I mention that just to illustrate how big an impact neurodiversity can have on our lives. As others have said, comparison is very much not your friend.

On a practical note, here are the things I have figured out work for us:

* I try to actively reframe thoughts of ‘this is the parent I ought to be’ into ‘this is the parent I CAN be, right now’. I am never ever going to be able to do imaginary play or open-ended crafting, so I don’t do it. My kid has friends to do that with! But I am *fantastic* at building Lego kits, and reading stories, and playing Mario Kart, and dancing to Taylor Swift: so we do a lot of that.

* Partner and I have regular check-ins about the week and month ahead to make sure that we haven’t taken on more than we can cope with. I’ve got very comfortable with saying to people ‘I think we might have taken on too much this week, is it ok if we postpone?’ People only ever respond with relief!

* Like you, playdates and parties are a nightmare for me. We limit the number we say yes to, and my partner does all the weekend ones. If I have to go then we plan time around it for me to reset.

* I wear Loop earplugs most of the time.

* I’ve found a couple of parents at my kid’s school who also have ADHD, and we combine forces to make playdates that we feel ok with. (This week my friend and I took the kids to the playground and sat in perfect silence for half an hour.)

* Getting a diagnosis meant I suddenly felt it was legitimate to ask for help. So we pay for help with laundry and get all our groceries and meal kits delivered. (Fully understanding that that’s a luxury not everyone is able to take up.)

I can find it kinda annoying when people try to reframe neurodiversity as being an amazing gift when it doesn’t feel that way – most of the time I’m not ‘creative fun exciting!’ ADHD, I’m ‘utterly exhausted and cranky’ ADHD. But there really are great things about it that your kids will value. My biggest positive right now is that I understand deeply when my daughter is having a meltdown, when SHE feels touched out or overwhelmed. I feel the most emotionally connected to her in those moments, whereas my partner finds that the hardest part of parenting.

Also know this doesn’t help right now but it WILL get better as your kids get older. Mine is at a drop-off party right now! A big change recently is that I’ve started explaining to her how I feel when things are too much, and that’s helped her to describe her own feelings.

Finally, if the tips people have shared don’t work for you, then that is not your failing. I’m a big believe in “great for you, not for me”. Sending you solidarity and sorry this post has been so long!