mroatman

Father of a delayed child here, and I can empathize. Speech was a major concern at 12 months, 18 months, 24 months, 36 months….you get the idea. I heard so many people tell me “Don’t worry, he’ll just develop at his own pace!” That turned out to be largely unhelpful advice. He’s 3.5 now, still not talking, and very likely autistic.

If someone had told me an autism diagnosis would be the end result when he was 1 year old, it would have felt like the end of the world. It was truly the “worst case” in our heads. But you know what — it’s fine. Even the “worst case” is fine. He’s a great kid, usually affable, curious, loves his parents. You’ll get by, no matter what the outcome. But do get the relevant screening done and apply for the appropriate support. Early intervention is key, even if it turns out to be ‘nothing’ in the end.

The framing of this question is a little alarming — as if 2 year olds need to face consequences *or else*. They are 2. You can model good behavior and try to hold limits. But they will throw tantrums… because they are 2. The “gentle gentle lose it” sounds more like a parent problem than a child problem. Kids this age will continue to rebel and push buttons and throw tantrums, so it’s up to us to stay regulated and help them keep on track (deep breathing, physically stepping away, asking your partner to step in, whatever it takes).

The Visible Child is an excellent resource and community for support during these tough years. Solidarity!

One thing not address in the discussion of rewards is why this “problem behavior” exists in the first place. For that, we have to go upstream. Take the example of a young boy who cannot sit still, tends to fidget, walk around, etc. Yes, you can convince this child to comply and sit still by offering rewards. But to what end? There are many MANY children who do not learn well in a standard learning environment (i.e. silent, sitting still, facing forward). Pressuring these children to comply with standard classroom behavior may be detrimental to their learning outcomes, even if the methods “work” in the sense that they get them to sit down and shut up.

To me, it reeks of “quiet hands” in the autism community, an approach that has been almost universally panned as harmful and ineffective.

Anyone curious about this space should read “Punished by Rewards” by Alfie Kohn.