Staci

I never wanted kids. Then, there was a sudden moment, and a sudden thought that made the idea of children not only appealing, but irresistible. That particular realization/motivation could be different for different people, of course, and I don’t think any of them are right or wrong. In my case, it was the realization that rather than be limited by the burden of caring for someone, instead my exploration of the world would expand as I watched another being encounter it for the first time. E and H’s fresh eyes feel to me like an absolute miracle.

I was already dispositioned to appreciate the world, and take a lot of delight in it, but now I get to do it trifold. It feels like the layers of discovery are more beautiful and exciting than they would’ve been alone.

But there are a million legitimate motivations for having kids that are different than mine. And I don’t think that it’s at all unusual to have them for the later pay off. For the grown-up family, you will someday have.

I will say that I don’t think anyone should have them unless they’re dying too. Children are a burden. They’re a time-suck and they change your identity and your worldview and your relationship with your partner. They consume all of the air in the room and a good portion of your bank account. Nothing is ever the same from the moment you find out you’re having one. And for people who want their life to go on being the same, it’s very clear to me that kids are a hard pass.

However, if you decide that you’re dying to, having kids is the most profound joy and deeply satisfying life experience imaginable. If I had never done it, I wouldn’t know what I was missing and so I would be absolutely fine. I wouldn’t know that this amount of love is possible and therefore it would be no problem to live without it. My life was awesome before and it would’ve continued to be awesome. But now that I know what it’s like on the other side, I find it so much better than awesome that I am tearing up as I write this. The idea of missing out on this experience, of not knowing who they are, and not being who I have become as a mother and a human feels to me like a desperate and unbearable loss.

I’ve heard that statistically children have a negative impact on marriages. And I believe it. I think they amplify whatever relationship you already have. So I can totally see how everything that was wrong with a relationship before is worse now. You have less time, energy, money, freedom and patience.

However, for a portion of marriages that are strong and loving and healthy, I think the children amplify that greatly. I admire my husband more deeply than I ever did before. I have more gratitude for him. I love him and share memories with him that no one else in the world will ever know. The bond of being coparents together has been a gift to our relationship. Getting through slog of the baby years, I think, has strengthened our relationship in the same way that people who go through some sort of near-death experience together would. It is so so hard and we did it together. We won a gold medal.

So yeah, don’t have kids. There’s a lot about it that sucks and you’ll never miss the things about it that are beautiful and profound and life-changing. Or maybe do and I swear you will never regret it.