How Much Does Marital Conflict Impact Children?

Age Groups

Topics

My partner and I have been fighting a lot more over the past few years, and we’ve gotten to the point where we are deciding whether to get divorced or not. We try not to fight in front of our kids, but even if we aren’t fighting, we’re not necessarily happy either. I’m sure they can sense our tension. “Staying together for the kids” feels like dated advice, but is there any truth to it? Is this really better for our kids than if we were divorced? How much does marital conflict impact kids?

—Feeling Out of Options

You’re right to think carefully about this. Both conflict and divorce can affect kids, but in different ways, so “Which is worse?” has no simple answer. There’s no perfect choice, but there is a way to think it through.

Studies looking at kids’ well-being from many angles point in the same direction: a study in Belgium showed that kids’ mental health had more to do with feeling supported by their parents than with their parents’ marital status. A study across 36 countries with more than 180,000 children ages 11–15 showed only a very small link between family structure and life satisfaction. Long-term studies following families over time — one tracking children from early childhood to adolescence and another from birth to age 5 — found that what looks like the “effect” of divorce or conflict mostly comes down to how parents and kids relate to each other, parents’ mental health, and available family resources. And in a three-generation study spanning 25 years, the strongest predictor of children’s mental health problems wasn’t divorce at all, but whether depression ran in the family. Put simply, it’s less the divorce itself than the context around it that matters most.

So the better question is: How do I balance the things that make family life harder — conflict and stress — against what helps kids thrive, like parents who are available and connected to them? With that frame, there are only a few paths forward.

1. Divorce
The upside is that conflict may decrease. One study found that changes in parent conflict closely tracked kids’ adjustment over five years — when conflict went down, kids did better. But divorce also brings stressors. Another study found that kids from divorced homes had more behavior problems than peers, but much of this was explained by changes at home — routines falling apart, less support, and more chaos. Key question: If you divorce, will conflict actually go down? If yes, even with short-term stress, divorce may be a net positive.

2. Married with conflict
The benefits of staying together are financial resources, stable routines, and shared caregiving. But conflict often spills into parenting, making patience and presence harder. It can also threaten parents’ mental health, with strong links to depression, which raises risks for kids. Key question: Would the stress of divorce be worse than the ongoing toll of conflict on you and your children?

3. Married with less conflict
This looks like the best option: less conflict, fewer stressors, and stronger bonds. But only if it’s real. Kids sense when something is off, and just pretending to get along is exhausting. It’s important to take into consideration your own overall happiness and what makes you feel good. That will help you be the best possible parent you can. Key question: Is it realistic to reduce conflict and build a relationship that feels good for you, too?

The upshot: Across studies, the theme is clear: kids do best when there’s less conflict, strong connections with their parents, and parents who are doing okay themselves — no matter the family structure.