I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel! My baby will be here in the next two weeks, and I’m getting bombarded by so much advice from family and friends, it’s hard to organize my own thoughts. What’s your advice for the first month after birth?
—More advice, please
No matter how easy the birth, no matter how much you planned in advance, these first weeks are hard. They’re wonderful! But they’re hard. You’ll likely be tired. No matter how much stuff you have, you’re missing something. You’ll probably forget to eat sometimes. On our first day home from the hospital with my daughter, my husband thought we didn’t eat enough. The next morning he ordered nine breakfasts delivered.
What I’m saying is the early weeks are not completely rational.
One of the main things that will come from other people during this period is advice about how to make it easier or more fun. The most canonical version of this for me was “Sleep when the baby sleeps.” Another good one: “Make a big pot of chili on Sunday so you can eat it all week.” And of course we have “Enjoy this time, it’s magical.”
Much of this is so well-meaning — it is! And there is often helpful advice from those who have done it recently. But the advice can also engender a sense that if only you were doing it better, it would be easier. And that’s mostly not right. The first weeks of parenting are just hard, no matter how many times you’ve done it and no matter what you do.
So if the advice you’re getting is useful, hold onto it. But if it is not, let it go. And definitely do not feel like there is a secret code you could unlock, if only you were a parenting ninja. There’s no secret code.
The best advice I got in these weeks? It was from my friend Nancy. I had heard “Sleep when the baby sleeps” many times, but it wasn’t working for me. I’d lie down like I was “supposed” to, but I just couldn’t sleep. And I’d lie there getting more and more anxious, thinking that if I could only sleep, it would all become easy.
Nancy told me, “People say to sleep when the baby sleeps, but actually just lying down is just as good.” I am in no way confident this is true, or even sure what it means. But for me, it let me let go of the feeling of failing at sleep, and just be.
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First week on/in bed, second week on sofa (couch). Rest and connection and that nesting instinct are so important, especially to establish breastfeeding. Visitors can wait. The baby isn’t even cute yet 😂 (you will see it later).
No one ever mentions this – don’t have a tiny “bathroom bin” – get a bigger one in there for a while at least. One postpartum pad will fill a normal bathroom bin designed for Qtips and plasters!