Wins, Woes, and Parenting with Chronic Illness

Wins and Woes is our community newsletter — a place for your stories and questions, where you can connect directly with other ParentData readers.

Bite of Blueberry

My eight-month-old son gags and full-blown vomits every single time he eats a solid that isn’t puree. We’ve tried resistive foods and super-soft foods and also taken time and space between trying over the past two months, to not traumatize him. Today he ate a teensy tiny piece of a smooshed blueberry and didn’t vomit! Biggest little win ever.

Where Is Daddy?

I’ve been a single mom since conception. About two months ago after spending Easter with my cousin and her beautiful family, I was putting my “wee little 3”-year-old to bed. She looked me straight in the eyes and asked, “Mom, can we go see my dad?” I froze. I was hoping she wouldn’t start asking until she was 5… or 6, or 7 years old! I looked back into her eyes and said, “I’ll try, baby! I’ll try.” Try did I! And fail did I. I was tempted to let my feelings towards him leak into my explanations of his absence. I started gathering info about how to address the topic of an absent father with my daughter. From researching, talking with a therapist with a background in family counseling, and speaking with another single mom, I began developing an approach.

First, I focus on answering one question at a time and keeping it simple until she seems satisfied. For a while I would tell her, “Your dad is not here. I love you very much and you’re surrounded by people who love you.” Shortly after, she asked, “Where is my dad?” I responded, “Seattle, baby.” Then she struck me unexpectedly with, “I want to play with my dad.” (Insert broken heart emoji here.) From what I’ve read, it’s important to keep responses positive so as to avoid her internalizing that she is a bad kid because her bio dad is a certain way. When I stay focused on our blessings, reach out for support when I’m struggling, keep her best interest in mind, and keep tabs on specific scenarios of what I want to focus on in therapy, I can navigate the tough questions with more confidence.

Smartie Pants

Recently a parent shared a win about their 4-year-old finally pooping on the potty, and I thought, “Oh gosh, is that how long it’s going to take my son, who is now 3 and vehement about taking off his underwear and putting on a diaper by himself right before he poops, and then hiding in the same place in his bedroom every time?”

I went against my instincts and bribed him with Smarties to poop on the potty — that worked once, and then afterward he would tell me he had to poop, squat down on the potty, hold in his poop, and ask me if he could still have some Smarties afterward. One time I said “no” and he threw his potty across the room. So now we have placed an extra potty in his pooping hiding place and are hoping for the best, but think it’s going to take a long, long time.

This Week’s Reader Question

Are there any other chronically ill or disabled parents in the ParentData community? I developed a very debilitating chronic illness after (and likely as a direct result of) my second pregnancy. It’s affected everything in my life, including how I’m able to parent.

Though I’m grateful for the many wonderful things in my life, I find myself still filled with a lot of sadness and envy looking at other moms I know who are able-bodied. I’m not able to run a 5K pushing my kids in a stroller, as many of my friends do, and, on my frequent bad days, have to parent completely “horizontally” (aka from the couch). The recent ParentData comment thread about traveling with kids really reinforced that difference for me: barring some significant medical advances, I will never be able to travel to Europe with my kids, as much as my pre-chronic-illness self would have loved to.

If there are other parents like me in this community, I would love tips on parenting with a disabling chronic illness and advice on dealing with inevitable comparisons and envy!

—Anonymous