AbbyVT

I was very ambivalent about having children and ultimately decided to have a child when I was 35yo, because it was something my partner deeply wanted. There has been a unique joy in seeing my husband “become his full self” as a father, even if I cannot relate to that parenthood self-actualization in the same way.

While you’ll hear some version of “there will be some grief/loss of choosing one path or another,” here are some things I wish people had said to me while I was deciding becoming a parent:

1. You will live a meaningful, valuable, and loved life no matter what decision you choose. We need to say that more to women in our society!!

2. Being a parent doesn’t have to be the “ultimate experience in love.” I love my child, but I have also found deep love with my family, friends, and pets (like you!)

3. Pregnancy and childbirth can be very challenging on your body. Although I mostly had an easy pregnancy, I was diagnosed with cholestasis in my third trimester and then developed an autoimmune disease postpartum (which took 14 very painful months to be diagnosed). While experiencing severe physical discomfort related to both (way worse than unmedicated labor and delivery!), I will tell you I regretted my decision to become a parent. Although I am happy and healthy now, I think it’s good to here that parents do regret their decisions and can also live at peace/happily with their decisions.

Either path you choose will include joy/love/wonderful moments and both will include pain/sorrow/challenges. I wish you the best in your decision making and know either option is right <3