abb

I am a childfree person who is interested in parenting data and dialogue because I am an early childhood educator, and a big piece of my work is supporting parents. I am 42; my ex-husband and I thought about having kids in our 20s but ultimately realized that we did not have the DESIRE to have children. Not want; not need – DESIRE. I think this is likely an under represented voice here: many people will be subscribed here because they ultimately made the choice to have a child after thinking about that choice.

I think many people have children (historically) because its “what you do” – and more people are asking thoughtful and conscious questions and acknowledging that having children is a choice, and not an obligation. There are some classic “reasons to have children” that are not good reasons: the two that are most common are because your parents want grandchildren, and because you want someone to take care of you when you’re older. We aren’t guaranteed any certainty in our lives, and you don’t know what you’re getting when you have a child, you cannot script it. BUT if you feel a pull to have a child, to have children, that is a good place to be as you start considering the reality of it rather than the romanticized version.

All of the parents I know love their children deeply, and as has been reiterated here, its the act of parenting, of raising children with a partner, that seems like it would be the really challenging thing. I have never had a partner who, in hindsight, would have been a good parenting partner. And because I have never felt the pull to be a mother, I don’t regret the time I spent with those people, or feel like I am missing out. There are children in my life – they don’t need to be mine. I do like my freedom and peace and quiet; I also have additional energy and time that I don’t channel into parenting that I am able to channel into community projects and all of my relationships, rather than having a laser focus on a partner and children.

I hope this helps!