Mel B

As a mother of 3 now-grown kids, I can offer two insights:
1. It gets easier the more you do it! The first time is oh-so-tough, but trust me, by the 3rd or 4th you’ll naturally settle into a more kid-free mindset.
2. It gets easier as the kids get older! The littles are just so darn cute; even when they’re a pain, they’re still so cute! Tweens and teens, honestly, not so much. And even the elementary-ages are less adorable (they’re great! but you don’t want to munch on their knees and elbows anymore!).
So: practice and know that time is on your side 🙂

I wish all these Hallmark Holidays would just go away. In my experience, mom’s of little kids just want to spend the day ALONE, but they feel guilty about that. Mom’s of older/grown kids want to spend the day with them, but often the kids don’t (or can’t), so moms feel sad. And it’s just another opportunity for Romantic Partner to not deliver on expectations!

Please, no more Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Valentine’s Day, let alone Siblings’ Day and Grandparents’ Day, good grief!

partner, not “part her” 🙂

That’s 100% on your part her: Their mother, their problem to deal with!

I stopped traveling for work when my kids hit the teen years. Leaving then when they were infants and little kids broke my heart (and also gave me wonderful alone time, TBH), but they didn’t need me at home 24/7, and their spending time with my spouse and other caregivers was beneficial, too. But as teens they NEED you there. YOU, not someone else. Present, even if 99% of the time, it’s in the background.

I will be forever grateful to my mom, who came to stay with us right after my daughter was born. About 3-4 days postpartum, I had clearly lost my mind–the hormones, the lack of sleep, the (initially) difficult breast feeding, my husband’s seeming inability to realize life had changed (he went out on night two “with the boys” until 1am!)–it was all too much. She just became my mom again, when I needed it most: “Mel, you are going to take a nap right now. Give me Baby. I raised you and your sibling, I know what I’m doing and can handle all of it for a few hours. SLEEP NOW.” After my much-needed nap, she talked to me about everything you mention here, and most especially about the hormones, which really do make you a little nuts (teenagers, anyone?). She also gently talked to hubby about how maybe going out wasn’t the *best* idea right now…

On another note, to the ParentData team, I do wish there was a way to increase community involvement with this new platform. It seems to have gone from 60 to 0 pretty quick, and I miss it.

My guess is that external rewards don’t impact intrinsic motivation, but not all behaviors need to be intrinsically motivated to be valuable. As Emily notes, in the case of disruptive behavior in the classroom, paying kids to be quiet and calm has benefits that go well beyond getting an individual kid to settle down. But will that behavior become “valued” by the kid long term? I doubt it. I have three (older) kids, and two were born motivated to perform well (in school and elsewhere), although their reasons for this are different! The 3rd could not care any less about performative success–behavior, grades, showing up on time–none of it matters to them. Introduce rewards and, if they like the prize enough, maybe they’ll respond, but it won’t in any way impact their intrinsic motivation.

BTW, when #3 was in preschool, the class was able to fill up a jar with marbles to get a pizza party–the teachers put in marbles for good behavior, as defined in various ways. It didn’t take long for us to get called in: #3 had simply taken all the marbles from the box and dumped them into the jar and presto! Free party, right?