This article covers how to structure and navigate the relationship with a directed (identified) sperm or egg donor (previously called known donors). You may want to start with an article on how to choose a donor.
If you’re considering growing your family with donor sperm or eggs from someone in your community, welcome to the club. It’s estimated that half a million women have used donor insemination in the United States. (Donor eggs are less common, with approximately 18,000 transfers among U.S. women in 2021.)
As a queer midwife who specializes in supporting people who are growing their families with sperm and egg donors, I’m seeing more and more people choose directed donors. We used to call them “known” donors, but the American Society for Reproductive Medicine now recommends using the term “directed (identified) donor” because it will allow people to avoid certain restrictive FDA regulations when growing their families with directed donor gametes.
There are so many reasons that people choose a directed donor. From the high cost of sperm from nonidentified donors at a bank (previously called anonymous donors), to wanting their child to have a relationship with their donor, to convenience in using fresh semen to inseminate — there are tons of benefits to having a directed donor. All three of my kids have directed sperm donors, and it’s a profoundly special relationship, but one that brings its own complexities not often talked about in mainstream society.
There are also unique risks and things to consider when navigating family formation with directed donors. In this article, we will go over:
- What is a directed donor, and who might use one?
- Getting on the same page as your donor
- Navigating the logistics with your donor
Note: This article focuses primarily on directed sperm donors, but much of the relational and legal aspects apply to egg donors as well.
What is a directed donor, and who might use one?
Directed donors are people who donate their gametes (sperm or eggs) to support another person or people to grow their family. They may be a relative of a partner, a friend of a friend, part of your extended community, or someone you meet on the internet.
Here are some examples of directed donor relationships I see among my clients and community members:
- The partner of the person who will carry the pregnancy has a sibling or cousin who donates sperm or eggs so that all parents can share a genetic relationship with the child.
- The directed donor is a close friend from childhood or someone near and dear to the intended parent(s), so there is already an immense amount of trust in the relationship.
- People connect on a site like Just a Baby or Gayby, where prospective parents are matched with interested donors.
Prospective solo parents, queer people in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have sperm, or heterosexual couples dealing with male factor infertility may choose directed sperm donors. Gay men or other people without ovaries looking to grow their family may consider asking a directed egg donor for help.
Getting on the same page as your donor
Since directed donors are people within your community, it’s important to be clear with yourself on what your ideal donor relationship looks like. Do you want a directed donor who is involved in your future child’s life? If so, how much? Is this someone who comes to the birthday party every year or comes over for dinner once a week? Get specific with your imagination, and pay attention to what feels comfortable for you. If you are partnered, each of you may have different ideals — it’s important to be honest with yourselves and each other.
Initial conversations
Once you get clear on what type of relationship you’re looking for, bring this up with your prospective donor. What kind of relationship do they envision? Where is there overlap? Are there any deal-breakers?
During these initial conversations, many people overlook dynamics with the extended family of the prospective donor. When you’re considering a directed donor, you may also be choosing a relationship with their current or future partners or children, or their parents. I’ve known children who have an extra set of grandparents on their donor’s side, and all parties were explicit about this expectation before the child was conceived.
The world is your oyster when structuring these relationships — just make sure to be clear with yourself and all parties involved, put it in writing (more on this below), and be aware that people are complex and even the best-laid plans can shift with time.
Legal protections for families and donors
Once you have a sense of your ideal donor relationship and seem more or less on the same page, it’s essential to put your directed donor agreement in writing in order to protect all parties involved. Depending on where you live, there may be legal precedence for family building with directed donors that makes the process easier. (For example, you can find a free, legally-sound directed sperm donor contract for the state of California here.)
Other states may have fewer accessible resources available. I always recommend doing your own research and speaking to an LGBTQ+-friendly or alternative-family lawyer based in your state.
Navigating the logistics with your donor
What tests are needed
I strongly recommend getting your donor’s sperm tested for normal semen parameters before beginning the donation process, as this may inform your insemination approach. Donors can get their semen tested through their primary care provider or a local sperm bank (not all offer this service, but some do). You may also want to consider an at-home semen analysis test.
Besides semen analysis, it’s essential to have your donor get a thorough evaluation for existing sexually transmitted infections and make sure you feel comfortable with their current sexual practices. Depending on your family’s genetic history and that of the donor’s, you may want to consider a genetic screening test as well.
How the donation process works
When sperm donors live in your area, they can donate in their home or yours, or anywhere there is privacy. For an at-home insemination, you can use a clean, dry cup (it doesn’t need to be sterile!). Make sure to keep the semen at body temperature and do your insemination within 45 minutes of ejaculation.
People using directed donors may also seek insemination support through fertility clinics. The process can be logistically complicated due to FDA regulations on sharing body fluids with people who aren’t your intimate sexual partner — I recommend asking your clinic up front if they have experience working with people using directed donors, and what extra steps will be needed for you to establish care.
If your donor lives in another county or state, you may want to consider a directed donor program, where you create an account with a sperm bank close to your donor, and have the bank process and ship the donor’s sperm to you as needed. Note: There are FDA regulations involved in this process and some other logistics to navigate with this option that can make your journey longer and more expensive.
There are also some companies, like this one, that ship fresh sperm overnight through FedEx or UPS. I recommend using this service only for donors who have above-average sperm quality, since a significant portion of the sperm can die in the shipping process.
The bottom line
- Choosing to grow your family with directed (identified) donor sperm or eggs (previously called known donors) can be a great choice — and is becoming more and more common.
- Having clear conversations with directed donors and getting your legal agreement done before the donation process begins is essential.
- Recommended tests for directed sperm donors include semen analysis, STI testing, and genetic carrier screening.
- There are many options for donating that change depending on your proximity to the donor and whether you are attempting at-home inseminations or getting care at a fertility clinic.
We recognize that readers of ParentData identify in different ways — read more about our approach to gender-inclusive language here.
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