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I could have written this exact question a few years ago. What no one told me was how incredibly fun being a parent can be. My oldest is two and most of the time he is so fun and so funny. t I nearly made a different choice and missed having him. My younger is six weeks and a lovely snuggly potato. I honestly get a little worked up thinking that I might have made a different choice and never had them. Strong communication with my spouse and a good parenting community make a big difference.

Flip a coin….if you heard yes from someone would you do it? If you heard no from someone would you listen to that?

I can speak from my own experience. I have two babies. I can’t believe it. It’s brilliant, unexplainable. I have many thoughts that revolve around gratitude that these spirits chose us, that we are ready for this level of spiritual growth.

I have had thoughts about what I would be doing if I did not have children, definitely. When times get hard, those thoughts come around. It’s part of the myriad emotions experienced by being human and allowing.

You have to ask yourself, am I (are we) ready to handle anything that might come my (our) way? Unmet expectations, expectations blown away because they have been surpassed by your wildest imagination for better or worse?

If that level of uncertainty (which is the level of uncertainty in anyone’s life, truly) is uncomfortable, do you want to lean into that? Maybe yes, maybe no. Whatever you wind up deciding, it is the right choice. Allow intuition to be your guide not the internet ether. Though it is likely interesting to see what other people have to say about this.

I can’t speak to the relevance of the book, but about having a second child:
When my first was a newborn, I remarked to a more experienced parent that I couldn’t imagine how anyone could do this with multiple kids. He said, “Oh, the second one is easy!” because you’ve already made the adjustment to your new identity as a parent. Fast forward ten years and I am on baby #3. I wouldn’t say the second or third child is *easy* per se, but he was absolutely right that the first kid is soooo much harder psychologically as a parent. The marital and personal challenges that you face for the first time are major. For us, all the biggest marriage struggles happened in relation to our firstborn. With our second, we already pretty much had the answers sorted out. And seeing their relationship is priceless. They are 10 and almost 8 and we’ve just added a third, and for us it’s been easier each time. It’s so much easier when you know what to expect, you have the skills (no one talks about the huge assortment of physical skills you need to handle babies!), and you’ve made the decisions before.
It’s of course possible you’d have a different experience, but I’ve heard many parents express that 0 to 1 is much harder than 1 to 2 or 2 to 3 kids.

Don’t have a baby! Hear me out.

I always knew I’d have kids, not because I really wanted to, just because I figured “it’s what you do”. I have three boys under 5 (wtffffff). I am happier than I’ve ever been. I think it’s because I don’t sweat the small stuff anymore—no bandwidth for small stuff (like “how clean is my house”)! So I just focus on the big stuff (am I teaching my four-year-old to be kind?). Privilege is the only way it all works—I have a flexible job and my partner and I have enough money.

Your post doesn’t reference any reasons TO have a baby—only reasons why NOT to. I think I was in a similar place to you before having kids in that the hard stuff was all very easy to imagine (the isolation, the hard work) but I could not imagine what the good stuff would actually be/feel like (the deep joy, the fascination of watching kids move about in the world). So I feel like I lucked out because it turned out that the good stuff makes me so contented.

So: I’m taking a big swing here by saying “don’t have kids”. I think it’s because your situation sounds a lot like where I was before kids, with a major exception: I don’t think I would have said “we love our life” before kids. I’m not saying kids were the only way for me to love life; I’m saying that if you love your life and it’s hard to imagine the good reasons to have kids, it’s ok to not have kids.

It’s one of the hardest decisions!!!! I hope sharing my beliefs hasn’t made it harder. Whatever you choose, it’ll be ok!

So many insightful useful comments here, I’ll just add- having kids is really really fun. People are not exaggerating about the hard work involved or the joy but I don’t think we talk enough about the fact that if you’re supported and you have what you need it’s just fun. Little people are hilarious and cool and they really know how to have fun, it’s infectious. On the other hand- if you feel fulfilled without kids maybe don’t have your own and go lend a hand to your depressed isolated friends with kids- babysitting for them and some little person energy for you. It might even help you make the decision.

One of the coolest experiences about having kids is re-experiencing everything through their eyes!

Okay, I love this question and have so many thoughts on it. To set the stage: I have four kids ages 10-1, and professionally work in the mental health field as a social worker, with a lot of experience working with parents in that context.

I deeply love being a parent and wouldn’t change a thing. I also think there are a lot of cultural reasons that many American parents appear (or are) unhappy, and some of them are actually avoidable.

A big thing is feeling isolated, and there is a reality to the lack of social supports, the lack of a village. Some of this is out of our hands as modern, western people, but some of it can be within our control. New parents can and should ask for and accept help. Have friends without kids? Don’t be afraid to recruit and enjoy some free babysitting so you and your partner can get some quality time together without completely breaking the bank. Have friends with older kids? Ask for one to come be a mother’s helper for $10-20 when you go to the beach or for a day at home when you could use some extra hands. Have friends with babies? Make a plan to meet at the park for a walk and/or coffee together weekly, and a kid-free mom’s night monthly.

When our kids were young, my husband and I made a decision not to feel limited to going to “family” things. That means we have committed to teaching our kids from an early age how to be in, behave appropriately in, and ultimately enjoy things like restaurants, museums, going on hikes, etc. that a lot of my friends with kids don’t feel able to enjoy. We put work in upfront to help our kids know how to behave in the social settings that matter to us, and we’ve been able to enjoy these things with them over the years.

With that said, we have found it easier to host dinner parties than to go places, because we can put the kids to bed and then enjoy our time with friends. Working on teaching our kids dinner-party manners has made this possibly and enjoyable.

There are also a lot of things that parents feel they have to do which are really not requirements. We do not listen to any “kids” music, but have introduced our kids over time to music we like. We don’t make separate meals for them but work in the first two years to introduce them to the foods we enjoy as a family. Kids activities can be great, and my kids do some great things, but we say “no thank you” to activities that interfere with our families priorities, which includes regular family dinners together and space in our schedule for down time. As one example, my oldest loves to dance and I do not love the idea of spending regular weekend hours at kids dance competitions; we found her a classical ballet program that meets her need for dance instruction and community, has a few performance opportunities each year, but doesn’t do competition teams. A lot of her dance friends do that program AND compete with another studio, but we do not. She loves it and our family’s need for down time and relaxing activities that we all enjoy on weekends remains intact. I highly recommend the book “simplicity parenting” which focuses on simplifying schedules for kids, but I find it equally important for the adults caring for those kids.

Others mentioned communication with your partner. That’s so key, especially during the first few years when schedules and needs change every two months. During the newborn phase we could easily both feel like we are doing more than our fair share, but when we talk regularly about the workload we realize that we’re just both doing a lot, and can be open about strategies to support each other.

I love having kids and wouldn’t change it for the world. I love this phase and I look forward to the future when I am older and they are adults, because I both love them infinitely and genuinely like them as people. But should *you* have kids? I don’t know. I do know that, while it is real and life changing work, it doesn’t have to be as hard as it sometimes looks.

As many others have shared – this is a deeply personal decision and definitely not one to make just because you feel pressure. I am 36 and just had my first. It’s a lot of work and there have been some tough moments. That said, I can’t / don’t want to imagine life without this little guy now. He really has given my life new meaning. I also think about the future and what I want my dinner table / house to look like in 5,10,15 years. I want a full table, bustling with energy and stories and love. So I’m willing to accept some challenging days / years now.

Only you can decide if having children is right for you. But as to being worried about being unhappy, I would offer a few thoughts.

First, raising children is much more than having a baby. The sleep deprivation doesn’t last forever. The early days aren’t a great benchmark for the totality of the experience.

Second, practically no one regrets having children. Being part of the tradition of nurturing the next generation is incredibly meaningful. A life filled with purpose and meaning – with children or without them – is hard. In a meaningful life, people depend on you. Children certainly would. If you want an ease-filled life, where you are unencumbered by the needs of others, children probably aren’t the right route. But I wouldn’t think such a life would make someone content or fulfilled in the long run.

Third, the way Americans parent is unreasonable. Planning every moment around children, worrying constantly about delivering maximum opportunity to develop a child’s “potential”, doing it all within a tiny nuclear family, all of this not only exhausting but completely outside of the global or historical norm. When my son was born, my husband and I moved my parents into our city and into our house. We all love it. The things that exhaust other parents are non-issues for us. I do not know if this particular solution would work for you. But the point is to identify your pain points and find solutions. Be creative. And I would recommend not following the prevailing parenting culture, which to my view is wildly unsustainable.

Good luck with your decision.

So interesting; I was bussed into Wilde Lake and have none of the same fondness for the school as you do. Quite the opposite.

I felt this article blurred the distinction a bit between which schools are doing the best job at achieving their mission, vs how we as parents can tell which schools will be the best fit for our particular child. School rankings don’t do a very good job of measuring either one, to be sure.

In particular, “most improved” is a very important metric for teachers, admins, and officials to appreciate. But it’s not going to be helpful for your kid unless your kid is starting off academically behind. I am guessing that is less common among ParentData readers than average.

These may not be the most relevant factors for everyone, but we chose public school because it offered the best social opportunities (i.e. the convenience of neighborhood kids) and the widest range of neurodiversity support (e.g. single subject acceleration for gifted kids, some understanding of ADHD and autism, etc.). Being free was nice too.

The CDC reports that 10% of high school students every year attempt suicide, and rates are higher when school is in session than on break. So choosing a school that is the least bad for mental health is our top priority. Honestly, homeschooling would probably be best on that count as well as on academics; but after compromising for the mental health of us parents as well, the school with the most convenient social opportunities won.

Fabulous reminder, thank you!!

For what it’s worth: absolutely no regrets. <3

Agreed, thanks for sharing and solidarity! Eight weeks postpartum with our third (also have a 4 yr old and a 20 month old) and I’m so thankful for our crew but woof it is a tough season. Really looking forward to getting time back with my husband. In the meantime taking it one day (sometimes minute!) at a time and reminding myself how fast time goes.

Woe: Our preschooler learned to swear at daycare so now he is yelling stupid f***ing mama/dada whenever he gets upset.

Win: He’s going through a growth spurt and eats basically anything we put in front of him now! Also, our twins (almost three) have basically picked up a big chunk of our parenting duties like comforting and entertaining each other!