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Win: I successfully solo parented my 3 year old and 3 month old for the first time for 12 hours while my husband was back at work after parental leave!
Woe: my 3 month old seems to be hitting a sleep regression 😫

thank you so much for bringing back Wins and Woes! Didn’t realize how much I missed it.

Woe: After having my third kid recently, it’s finally happened–I’m not keeping up. Work, parenting, and self-care are pretty much where I spend all my time (things like my marriage and friendships are… on hold?) and, unsurprisingly, all three are suffering. I’ve been leaning out HARD at work (and am privileged to be able to do so) but it’s still not enough. Life is joyful, but I worry that a breakdown is on the way.

I’m confident things will be ok–just not sure how I’ll get to that place.

I’ve found my village in a couple of different places – a local (to me) mums mental health whatsapp group, which contains a good scattering of neurodiverse people, and in Raising Us, Natalie Brunswick’s online community (she’s HighlySensitiveFamily on insta). It’s amazing. An international group of parents who are within families contianing ND and highly sensitive people (parents, kids, spouses) for peer to peer advice and support, and the wisdom of Natalie to explain all the whys and wherefores, as well as HOW to actually deal with stuff.

Hello! I just found out what neurodivergent means! I am blown away because I have been married for almost five years and at my wits end over my partnership with my husband…his neurotype is ADHD and possibly some PDA (unbeknownst or not accepted by him, nor diagnosed)…so much makes so much sense to me now and I can finally find ways to connect and understand. This is brand new information but as I get into it, I am noticing that one of my daughters is demonstrating many of the same qualities. So, I would wonder…do your children press to be involved in all the play dates/dive into the sensory bins/things like this? Where does the pressure you feel to be involved like this come from? I think you have a tremendous strength…you have the ability to know what you and your kids need from the perspective of an orange in an apple world. My partner is the best at understanding what the children need because of his neurodivergence.

One of the things we have naturally discovered as being helpful to all of us is being connected to nature. See if you can make time to get outside everyday and do simple things like walk with your bare feet in the yard or notice/use elements from nature to be creative. Honor and ritualize things in this vein. Follow the moon cycles.

Another thing that can be really beneficial is a meditation practice…whatever you resonate with. My daughter (3) especially resonates with a couple of kundalini meditations that involve a mudra and a repetitive song. She will sit on my lap the whole time and it is intensely regulating.

I am learning more ways of being supportive and embracing this newfound knowledge so that we can thrive in partnership and in building our life together.

Think about the purpose of life as to express your spirit in human form. You are enough as you are, merely being you. Expressing yourself through creativity is an offering to the universe (your children, an art project, the way you show up as a mom, etc.). If you approach life from this perspective, guided by your intuition, you will know in your heart, when a play date is the right thing or when it’s time to get your hands in some dirt or in navigating whatever challenges come your way.

Hi mama! Solidarity! I am also ADHD. It’s a lot on my spouse sometimes… Especially when I’m not mentally healthy. We’re in a good place though the challenges never really go away. But that’s okay. Just think of what you can bring to the table. If it isn’t a sensory bin, that’s totally okay. Do you need to take a day to yourself every now and again? These things are okay. Truly! I focus on bringing my kids into the things I enjoy and that helps me to do better with some of the stuff they like.

Neurospicy mama here (apologize in advance – idk how to not belong winded)
A couple things I’ve had to change that might help you:
– in a world where Social Media is king I have unfollowed every account on IG that makes me wonder if I’m doing enough/makes me feel guilty. They don’t serve me or my kids. I am doing the best I can and that’s enough.
– I actively follow accounts of neurospicy mamas who are vocal about their struggles because it makes me feel less alone
– I limit “mom ideas” type accounts and parenting coaches in my feed. I still follow them so I can find information when I *want* it but I don’t want them to come up and possibly decimate my groove if I see something that makes me feel like I could do “better” when I’m not seeking advice. There are so many resources out there, but I control when I utilize them
– we follow a general routine every day and if we’re invited to do something that doesn’t fit (unless it’s really something we want to try), we just polity decline.
– my older kiddo has stopped napping but we have continued “quiet time” where he plays for an hour in his room while the younger one naps. This gives me an hour to decompress and have no one touching me.
– as a SAHM I have had a hard time with feeling completely overwhelmed. I realized when I think I’m Overstimulated from all the kid *stuff* that sometimes I’m actually Understimulated from the same thing every day. There are two playlists on Spotify that I use that help (“listen when you’re overstimulated” “listen when you’re Understimulated” both by Steady parents)
– part of our daily routine is getting outside. All three of us benefit from the sensory experience of fresh air and hopefully some sunshine. I can push my younger one on the swing while my big climbs and jumps and slides to his hearts content. I find going to busier parks makes us all a little more keyed up so I try to go to less busy parks/playgrounds when I don’t have the bandwidth for much social interaction/navigating other people’s boundaries with my bigger kid. When I have no room for other people we just play in the grass in our yard. Bubbles still work wonders for keeping my kids entertained and bonus, it requires us to practice controlling our breath which is great for regulation

For explaining your feelings to your kids, I use characters and stories from shows my son loves to explain how I’m feeling in a way he might understand. All Engines Go (Thomas the train show on Netflix) has an episode where Kana needs alone time and none of her friends understand. She sings a song called “feel the hush” and I use that all the time. It’s on YouTube music. Highly recommend.
But mostly, I think it’s really healthy to (in an age appropriate way) explain how you feel. Notice when your kids might feel that feeling too. All feelings are ok, what matters is what we do with them.
You’re doing a wonderful job. Even if you don’t feel “great” at it, you’re working so hard. Even if you only have 30% to give on a day, if you give that 30%, you’re still giving 100% of what you have to give. I hope that helps

You’re not alone! I’m a new mom and neurodivergent. Here is what my partner and I have been doing to prioritize wellbeing at home.

My partner does nights and I do days. He is back at work and continues to do nights. Days are MUCH busier than nights, and so I need to be fully rested and not start the day already overstimulated.

My bedroom is set up to be a quiet haven. Blackout curtains, no electronics (other than my phone, which is only in the room while baby is small), super soft sheets, the list goes on.

We are fortunate to have people in our lives who can help during the day. Grandparents come over 1-2 days a week to dote on the baby while I get my own fix of hyperactivity/hyperfixation either inside or outside of the home.

I have never ever liked extremely high audio sensory toys. Someone gave me a loud and annoying toy as a baby shower gift and I immediately thrifted it lol. Instead I focus on gathering small, modular, and low audio sensory toys that can be combined into one big loud activity if baby needs it. Instead of a baby toy that plays its own music, I play or sing whatever music I want to listen to, or look for the “baby version” of a favorite song.

I tell my baby about my emotions and feelings. There is a chance he will inherit some of my neurospice. I want to normalize it as much as possible so that if he ever feels disconnected from society and his peers, he knows it’s okay to ask for help. I’m not a psychologist and so I don’t know when is a good time to explain neuroscience to them, but I do know there are kids books that introduce and explain these concepts in an accessible way for kids. I bought a few to read to my baby. I’m sure you would be able to find kids books about your neurodivergence and read them to your kids as a way to help them understand you better.

Also, on the topic of playdates, it’s totally fair to limit the amount per week. One halfday peer activity per day is the absolute max I think I could ever handle.

You’re a great mom because you recognize and acknowledge your (entirely valid) limits and are willing to ask for help. You’re a great mom because you want to connect with your kids at their level. You’re a great mom because you actually got diagnosed with a disability rather than bury it and never address it.

Our society has a tendency to shame moms for not doing anything and everything for their kids all by themselves, with little care for their own health. It’s stupid. Drown out the “noise” of societal pressures and carve out a path that works best for your family, with the clear understanding that your worth and value is important, too.

This is in response to the magic mushroom use while breastfeeding:

One thing that was missing (maybe only alluded to) in the write up from the Q&A was a discussion of the chemical properties of psilocybin and its metabolites. Psilocybin is moderately lipophilic (log kow = 1) (fat loving, meaning it will preferentially accumulate in body compartments with more fat, including breast milk) but I wasn’t able to find a measurement of psilocin. Without knowing how much psilocybin metabolizes into psilocin and without knowing how lipophilic psilocin is, the safe assumption is to assume it has the same lipophilicity or that very little is metabolized. This means we would expect the breast milk concentration of psilocybin/psilocin to be HIGHER than whatever is in the blood. There could be additional biomechanics that would make this untrue but without measurements in humans or animals we don’t really know.

I agree with the conclusion that there is really not enough information to make a decision about how much is entering the milk. However, I think it safe to err on the side of assuming the child would be exposed (and during a huge sensitive period of their neurodevelopment) and talking with a doctor about alternative treatments or feeding formula while using.

As a point of comparison, cannabidiol, which is highly lipophilic (log kow seems to be >6!) does seem to make it into human milk, but at concentrations below what we would expect given how much it dissolves in fat. However, there is also little biomonitoring data on that compound.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK535598/#:~:text=Cannabidiol%20is%20a%20component%20of,mothers%20who%20used%20cannabis%20products.

My credentials: I am not a toxicologist but I model chemical exposures/biokinetics professionally and last year wrapped up building a model of chemical accumulation in human milk for EPA to use in regulating compounds for which there isn’t much biometric data available.

I have two toddlers, one is pretty easy going and pretty much up for anything, but the other will throw tantrums. For her, we’ve found giving her a heads up that change is coming, is enough to stop them. For some things, like turning the tv off, a five minute warning will work. For bigger things, like days that I have to work and may not be able to put her to bed, she needs to know earlier in the day and be reminded. Maybe your son just needs time to transition in his mind? If you feel that strongly about him getting some outdoor activity then maybe instead of giving an option, just say what you’re doing and what time you’re leaving, to give him some time to prepare himself mentally.

I strongly disagree with there being no option C!

Most of the people I admire most are exceptionally creative with finding options Cs. I value that about myself too. It’s a lot more freeing and practical than black-and-white thinking.

1) For the example about scheduling a repeat C-section or going for a VBAC, I would ask myself some questions that might lead to a secret option C that’s better than the default options A or B:
– What did I hate most about having a C-section? If it was feeling disconnected from the birth, can I make a scheduled repeat section a little better by choosing a hospital that will allow a clear drape, immediate skin-to-skin, and other humane touches? If it was knowing the impact on the baby’s microbiome, can I do a vaginal swab to seed good bacteria on the baby?
– What worries me most about a VBAC? If it’s the chance of an emergency C-section, can I avail myself of known factors that reduce the risk of C-section, such as hiring a doula, planning a home birth with a midwife, laboring at home for as long as possible before heading to the hospital, and declining most drugs and interventions unless there is a medical need? Or if it’s the risk of uterine rupture, can I assuage that fear by planning a hospital birth and declining Pitocin augmentation, and if I want additional kids, reading statistics that show VBACs reduce the likelihood of future uterine rupture whereas additional C-sections increase it?

2) For the example about university job offers, the sky is the limit on secret option Cs. One partner could decide to switch from academia to industry, or work in a different field entirely. They could decide to have kids and have one partner be a stay at home parent. They could break up if they both value having the best job but hate the idea of maintaining a long-distance relationship. These secret option Cs might quickly be ruled out as less good than options A or B, but they are in fact options!

3) For the example about seeing family or not during the pandemic, I would hope that everyone here would be familiar with option Cs that reduce risk by now. Wear N95 s! Meet outside! Run Hepa filters inside! There are a variety of interventions that can reduce the risk (and anxiety) of Covid by an order or two of magnitude. You don’t have to choose all or nothing. There are plenty of secret option Cs. Think for yourself and get creative and practical.

Hahaha. Oh yeah! I forgot I did this with my son. Also fun to try to see the same thing (we have migratory birds who always nest in the same place and we name each one and look for them year after year”.

Oh the transition from your three year old buddy to your sightly oppositional four year old… my oldest did that with me and it felt so challenging. Upon reflection I think part of it is children learning how to articulate their autonomy. And it’s also a transition point for parents from the “baby as an extension of me” to “independent child” stage of being. It’s rough.

What I do is generally just talk about the plan the day ahead and then the same day. My kids like to know what’s in store for them. Sometimes if their mood is sour, I’ll just sit in my yard (I have a yard) and I’ll lay and stare at the clouds, or pick weeds, and suddenly the outdoor space is their space. Their imagination play or block building or science project comes with them outside.

My son also loved the do-together projects and I also have a limit on that so I would tell him why. “I feel really happy outside and my body needs to move, so I need to do that today. I can’t only sit indoors and do your activities with you because that won’t let me move my body outdoors like it needs. Also, I need to cook so you have food when you’re hungry so I will have to do other things at home. Some times you will have to play by yourself”. It’s like a continuation of the “why phase” and also helpful to have kids learn your needs as a parent. My son now is so empathetic with me, and I think in part because I’ve shared some of these thoughts with him.

Third, it still feels like a real loss to not hang out with my kids when the day is magical and they shoot me down. I always feel bummed. Im trying to remember that not every hike is a family hike, just like before I had kids not every activity was with the same friends. They miss out on a lot of things are think are incredible, but then I have a great story to tell them and that builds a different kind of exchange.

Lately we’ve really slowed down and it amazes me how happy and fulfilled they seem with being only home. We haven’t had any activities (friends, outdoor time, museums, shopping). So there’s also that. Sometimes kids really do need to recharge.

Is your son saying no because he’s asserting independence, because he’s needing to slow down and recharge at home, or because of other things. Kids are so dynamic!

This was a major realization for me a while back. I was giving my son a lot of control over what activities we did. My intent was to make space for his feelings about things and let his preferences enter the picture (both worthy goals, to be sure!) but what I was actually doing in practice was asking him to take on the adult role of family decision maker, and his young nervous system was just not ready for that. We are now trying/learning a new approach where we own the leadership role as parents, while listening to their feelings and considering their preferences when it comes to activities. But we are taking the responsibility of deciding away from them. It’s not been an easy transition-I have to constantly check myself to make sure I’m sticking to it, but it’s getting more natural and I honestly think our kids like it. It has helped a lot with the power struggles. The book The Soul of Discipline by Kim John Payne was really helpful (since everyone has soooo much time to add another parenting book to the reading list, haha!)

The 1000 Hours Outside Official Group on Facebook has a million ideas!

We’ve had 500 hours as our goal for the past 5 years and just met it last year.

For your specific situation, since he is resisting both outdoor and indoor destination trips, maybe focus on outdoor time in your yard, if you have one. Bubbles, sidewalk chalk, stomp rockets, beanbag tossing, building a stick fort, water painting, playing with the hose, and gardening are some of our favorites.

We also have a four-year-old who is not as excited about everything as he was a year ago, and the fact that he has a sibling 18 months younger helps. Even when he’s not enthusiastic about something, he wants to do what his little brother does. Could you harness positive peer pressure occasionally by going with other people your child enjoys?

Similarly, I wonder if scheduling outside time when another person is available to watch your child if they choose not to go is an option. I sometimes tell my kids, “Mama really needs to get some wiggles out today. I would love to have you come with me! But whether you come with me or not, I’m going to go take a walk and then I’m happy to play with you.” Often, my kids say they don’t want to come and realize they feel differently when I’m walking out the door.

Do you have a yard or “easy” place to get outside? My kids’ favorite outdoor activity is digging. It’s not my personal favorite and it’s not the most active, but they will dig in the yard with construction vehicles for hours, which at least gives me the option to hang out and garden.

We also find that our kids are resistant to activities/outings during the week. I think they’re just tired from school. So most of our weekday outside time is in the yard, or happens if we stop by a playground on the way home from school. Once my kids are home on a weeknight, they often don’t want to leave. So maybe start by focusing on the weekends.

Sometimes when I’m struggling with mismatches in preference between me and my kids, assuming it’s not my job to set a hard limit on the behavior (I.e., you must go outside once every day to get some fresh air), I try to navigate it just like I would if I was dealing with an adult or friend I have to live with who had different needs. In this case, I’d start by meeting your own needs for exercise and outdoors to remove some of the feeling of urgency and set an example, and then go from there!