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We’ve also started the 1000 hours outside challenge and are new listeners to her podcast. It’s been great! I would say that a need to get outside everyday is not at all “almost pathological” but a very real and basic human need, and both you and your son will be so much better for it! My 4 year old sometimes protests about the time outside too. I’ve dealt with it by just sort of not making it a choice. Not in a mean way, but by just calmly saying, “it’s time for our outside time now,” the same way I would tell him it’s bath time or time to get ready for school. He usually gets the picture and ends up having a nice time. I’m sort of figuring that my role right now is to establish good habits, and the wonder and excitement will come naturally as we practice the habit of getting outside. Not sure if that will work out long term, but here’s hoping!!!

This is just the article I needed to read today. Thank you.

I am grateful you had a safe delivery and I’m so sorry you had to fear for your life during birth.

I had a traumatic delivery with my first baby that almost cost me my life and did cost me my fertility— doctors tore an artery during C-section, didn’t catch it, bled out, hysterectomy. This was preventable and caused by medical system (and don’t get me started on how the system deflected any questions after!)

Fixing health care for black women must be top priority. When our most vulnerable populations are cared for, everyone is cared for. When our most vulnerable mothers have good outcomes, everyone’s outcomes are improved.

Thank you for your activism.

This sounds really frustrating. A few ideas: A) It doesn’t sound like anything is immediately harmful — your kid is not consistently coming back injured, nor exposed to cigarette smoke, getting left unfed or anything wildly dangerous. Is it possible you could let go of your typical preferences to benefit from the free babysitting? Maybe the answer is no and that’s fine- it’s your kid. B) I would recommend reading Book of Boundaries by Melissa Urban. That will give you a system for communicating your boundaries. That said, you have to be willing to walk away. C) I’d also reflect on why is your MIL the only option for childcare right now? This minimizes your leverage. Are there babysitters, friends, neighbors who would be more aligned with your values and preferences that you can lean on in the future? … D) Get centered. You’re in control of choices you make for your fam and your kiddo. So you can reflect on whether this situation is frustrating but worth it; or if you want to go in another direction. Lots of love and power to you and your fam!

Likewise, fertile-quality (eggwhite) cervical fluid is, if not strictly essential for getting pregnant, very contributory. Much HBC works partly by thickening/drying up that cervical fluid, inhibiting sperm motility.

So when going off HBC and slowly getting one’s own progesterone and estrogen back after their suppression, it’s common to have a short or insufficient luteal phase (due to low progesterone) and little or no fertile-quality cervical fluid (due to low estrogen). Or, even when no recent history of HBC is involved, breastfeeding or perimenopause can also affect those hormone levels and the resulting fertility signs.

In short, paying attention to cervical fluid consistency and timing, and to luteal phase length (ovulation to next period), are both some of the lowest-hanging fruits when it comes to troubleshooting infertility. I would have expected to read that in an article about maximizing the chances of pregnancy.

The book Taking Charge of Your Fertility is the most popular and practical guide for achieving or preventing pregnancy, and it goes into detail about all of this science.

I love that book.

If I were in your shoes, I would never allow my child to spend any alone time with your mother in law. Zero. She has clearly shown herself to have terrible judgment and undermines your (healthy and normal) wishes.

You don’t need to make any dramatic announcements or confront her, though. Keep inviting her over from time to time, as long as you are present. That will keep the relationship from deteriorating too much.

But you need to prioritize finding alternative childcare. If you are unable to afford a babysitter right now, then cultivate relationships with trusted neighbors or family friends.

Maybe alternate taking care of a friend’s child and then having them take care of yours.

There are solutions to everything but your mother in law is not one.

I agree.

I can see epic screen time / sweets as a “thing you get to do with grandparents”, even if it’s different than what you do in your house.

And, I could see situations where it would be OK to skip school for grandparent time if you were also on board with it (ie – skip school to do something special together)…but as you described it here it seems strange.

However, the “don’t tell Mom and Dad” would be a very big deal to me.

It might help to separate the problems:
— solving for childcare when you & your partner want some solo time together. This might be in-laws, or a babysitter, or a trade with friends w/ kids, or something else.
— figuring out what you want out of the relationship between your in-laws & your kid, and what you need to make that work (and where you are OK being flexible). IE – that it’s not OK to tell your child to keep secrets from you. But, that you are OK with some movies, etc (if you are). Or, if that doesn’t feel achievable (they will still say “don’t tell Mom and Dad”, and put more pressure on your kid to keep it a secret), then maybe it is about not having time with them without you guys.

I was logging in to make the same comment. I have the same situation with my MIL. It’s been a point of frustration over the years. Yet, we’ve weighed our priorities and determined that it is very important for our kids to have a close relationship with their in laws. It’s also really important for us as a couple to be able to get away and know they are safe with people who love them. We have identified the things that are non-negotiable for us, and that’s on-time bedtime, age appropriate shows, and while they haven’t kept them home from school, maintaining that routine would be a priority for me if they suggested otherwise. Beyond that, our kids have developed a special bond with my in laws for many reasons, one of which is the “fun” stuff they do together. It’s exciting to eat 2 popsicles after dinner. It’s indulgent to watch lots of movies. When I was a child, I got to watch Nickelodeon and have soda at my grandparents house. I remember giggling at shows together and sitting at my grandparents table having wide ranging and meaningful conversations over a glass of soda. Today, my daughter and MIL have a special bond over their love of Disney shows and fairies and it has prompted other shared interests like drawing these characters and going to plays together. Boundaries and non-negotiables are important. You’re responsible for your child’s safety and well-being. But it’s also important to let them experience a world outside of the one you have built for them. They will face numerous opportunities throughout childhood and life where other people have different rules or habits or priorities. They need to be able to handle those differences. I say identify your non-negotiable (like health and safety), your long term priorities (like you and your spouses relationship and your child’s relationship with their in-laws) and go from there.

Much respect and gratitude to you for supporting your children and grandchildren. I wish my parents did.

One difference of opinion: I do think kindergarten should be seen as optional. Kindergarten used to be only a half day; many countries don’t start school until age 6 or 7. My kindergartener is learning very little in his well-rated school, but we send him because it’s free childcare. We actually kept him home yesterday simply because norovirus is going around his class and I, at 32 weeks pregnant, don’t want to catch it.

The activities and socialization of kindergarten can be beneficial, but *on the margin* for most people, time at home with grandparents is even more beneficial. 7 hours of Frozen, though, is worse.

What I don’t understand is how these grandparents think 7 hours of Frozen is better for the kid than kindergarten. I can imagine exhausted grandparents turning to movies because they aren’t used to watching a kid all day. But the more obvious solution for getting a break would be to just send him to kindergarten instead.

School is a non-negotiable. Everything else exposes child to different family experiences. I loved staying with each set of grandparents when I was a child. One set was very strict but also took me to museums, shopping, expected me to help in the kitchen. The other set left me on my own to explore the yard, meet neighbor kids, but expected me to be back to their house for meals and assigned chores. All different from my own home but important. But school should remain a strong and non-negotiable expectation.

It sounds like this setup is not working. I would stop using them for overnight childcare, and work on finding other options. I know this is hard, and maybe impossible, but it just sounds like it’s not worth it. How much relaxation will you get on your vacation given the circumstances?

We have very little childcare help during the day (close to none) and zero at night. So I know how hard this is. Vacations are on pause right now, but that’s ok. We’ve adjusted and over time have found creative ways to relax. It took a while to get there, but it has gotten so much easier over time. We have a good relationship with my parents and in-laws, but only use them for very short term childcare (like I have a medical appointment) and I’m only ever a few minutes away. I think they were initially a little hurt, but our relationship is so much healthier for it. We can just be their kids and enjoy spending time together, without the business-like relationship of using them as a nanny.

It sounds like they are just not able or willing to offer the kind of care you are comfortable with. And, in my humble opinion, they aren’t obligated to. But for me this would mean, “thank you for the offer, but we just aren’t comfortable with it at this time. We’d love to have you come visit the kids at our house when it works for both of us.” And let them adjust. Maybe they will get the picture that they need to honor your wishes if they want a bigger role in your kids’ lives. Or maybe not. But this toxic lack of respect and boundaries will be removed from your life, and you and your kids will be better for it.

Refusing to take a child to school and telling a child “don’t tell mommy and daddy” about things that go on in the house goes far beyond indulgence. Further, it’s both possible and important to set boundaries even when privilege is involved.

100% this.

The main red flags I see do have to deal with safety. Primarily, “don’t tell your parents,” and to a lesser extent the overall pattern of not respecting parental wishes. Something needs to be addressed there.

But as to the specific content of those wishes, yeah, I think it’s likely best for the parents to shrug and accept that daily activities will be different and non-ideal when away from home, and that the benefits of the free childcare and extended family relationships likely outweigh the costs.